Breaking News: Reader Response Goes Way Beyond Whelming

by Roger White

Well, if I’d known this many of you guys were into words and word games, I would have long ago stopped trying to entertain and enlighten you with tales of the excruciating silliness that are my family’s domestic adventures and simply offered you word puzzles with every installment. Or maybe you just like bumper stickers and other freebies. That being the case, I have a sensational idea for ramping up readership. I’ll just run a standing headline: “Read This Column and I’ll Send You $5*” (*void where prohibited cash redeemable through Bulgarian wire transfers only in either Greek drachmas and/or S&H Green Stamps valid on third Thursdays in odd-year Februarys must be 88 years of age or older violators will be prosecuted prosecutors will be violated). Or something.

Regardless, your response to the Third Biennial Oldspouse Familiar Phrase Contest (OFPhC) went way beyond whelming—right up to the brink of overwhelming. My whelms runneth over. It occurs to me that I either have to raise the difficulty factor substantially in these here contests or stop being such a sucker when it comes to doling out prizes. You guys take advantage, I swear. Often my therapist has told me I have to quit being such a pushover. So starting next contest, only three winners. You read me? No more Mr. Nice Guy! My tongue is still gummy from licking all the stamps and envelopes.

Anyway. So many of you golddig—I mean, wonderful and loyal readers—chimed in with the correct answers that we set an Oldspouse record for bumper sticker giveaways. I think I can get some sort of tax writeoff for this. So, congrats and sumptuous salutations to (drumroll): Jane, Brenda, Matt, Mary Jane, Laura, Catherine, Rona, Jon, Cynthia, Tim, Page, Woot, Margie, and the entire Wray family—the Wray family being Steven, Sonya, Adam, Erin, and last but not least, Jenna. I was waiting for the Wray family to include Fay, but alas, no Fay Wray.

For those of you playing along at home, here are the answers to the Third Biennial Oldspouse Familiar Phrase Contest (OFPhC) 20 familiar phrase questions. For those of you who are first-time readers of This Old Spouse—or if you either didn’t read our last installment or did read it and forgot all about it—this entire column makes absolutely no sense to you and you’ve likely stopped reading by now. So never mind. Ah, yes, the answers:

1. She drives me to drink.
2. There’s a sucker born every minute.
3. Dead men tell no tales.
4. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
5. Some Like it Hot.
6. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
7. A face only a mother could love.
8. Let sleeping dogs lie.
9. Luck Be a Lady Tonight.
10. Behind every great man you’ll find a woman.
11. Fool’s gold.
12. Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go.
13. The Age of Aquarius.
14. A Tale of Two Cities.
15. Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys.
16. Stand By Your Man.
17. The devil made me do it.
18. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
19. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
20. The world is your oyster.

You have Spouseman’s sincere oyster-like apologies if you’ve read this far and still have no inkling about what’s going on. I often feel the same way. Tune in later and all will be revealed. Spoiler alert: To create the effect of sandstorms in the narrated desert sequence as Moses escaped Egypt, Cecil B. DeMille used the engine blast from tied-down Egyptian Air Force planes. Ingenious, huh?

If and when the meds kick in, I’ll be more cogent and on point next time out. Promise. Nik. Nik nik nik.

Roger White is a freelance oyster living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely spousal oyster, two precocious offspring units, a very obese dachshund, and a cat with Epstein-Barr. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com. Or not.